Reviews…James Bond Reviews: Diamonds Are Forever

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“That’s quite a nice little nothing you’re almost wearing. I approve.”

The Bond: Sean Connery

The Villain: Blofeld

The Henchmen: Mr. Wint & Mr. Kidd and Bambi & Thumper.

The Bond Girls: Tiffany Case and Plenty O’Toole.

The Plan: It’s Blofeld. There’s your hint.

The Gadget/Car: a mousetrap like thingy, a latex fingerprint, a repel gun, and Q uses a gadget to cheat at gambling. Silly Q. Doing illegal things.

The Song: “Diamonds Are Forever” by Shirley Bassey

With George Lazenby’s single stint as James Bond behind them, the search was on to recast. Eventually they managed to entice Sean Connery back to the role with a then-record of £1.25 million pounds which equates to roughly £23 million today. Thus, Diamonds Are Forever was released in 1971. We got here a Bond that barely tries, two very odd pairs of hencmen, and clones!

After a complicated casting process ranging from an American actor to Michael Gambon of Harry Potter fame (HARRY DID YOU PUT YOUR NAME IN THE GARBLARAFAR?!) they seduced ‘ol Connery back…and boy does he look bored. This movie is also the first one to start a new trend that will last until roughly 1985: campy humor. This movie has a lot of jokes and is actually kind of funny.

Right from the get go we see Bond in action angrily abusing a number of people looking for Blofeld. Could it be because he’s looking for him because the terrorist murdered his brand-new bride?? Nope. In fact, as I mentioned in the previous review, no direct mention is even made to his wife until For Your Eyes Only. Again, the plan was obviously to continue that story on with this movie but that didn’t work out. But why is he looking for him? I mean, I guess it’s implied that’s why he’s looking for him but unless I wasn’t paying close enough attention I don’t remember an explicit reason. The reason I thought up is just because Blofeld is his nemsis and Bond simply wants to stop him before he tries to take over the world for the umpteenth time. I think a flaw this movie has is “helped” by the terrible ending of the previous one. We want the story to continue after a heartbreaking cliffhanger like that but instead we get something else not in anyway related.

Our baddie for the third time now is Blofeld portrayed this time by Charles Gray. What does he want to do? Extort the world with nukes and destroy Washington. Hooray for terrifying plans! Seriously. That’s scurry. This guy does a decent job playing Blofeld, but again, I just prefer Donald Pleasence. He’s just who I picture when I think of the character.

The Henchmen are some of the oddest and probably worst in the films. Two dudes, Mr. Wint & Mr. Kidd. They literally finish each other sentences and maintain the exact same monotone demeanor throughout the entire film and are just all around weird. Something that may explain this is that Mr. Wint is portrayed by Bruce Glover…Crispin Glover’s father. You may know him from such gems as George McFly in Back to the Future and as The Knave of Hearts in Alice in Wonderland. He’s one of the strangest (yet most talented) actors working today. Anywho, the pair is just campy but they do fit in with the tone of the film.

The second pair is kinda weird but more so in the gimmick is Bambi & Thumper. They’re two acrobatic ladies that try to take down Bond and they do a great job at getting close! They aren’t technically bad guys as they’re just bodyguards doing their job protecting an asset of the good guys, but since they are apparently trying to kill Bond, they count as henchmen in my book so shaddup.

The action in Diamonds Are Forever is pretty decent and there’s an amusing chase scene involving a “moon car” of sorts. In an inexplicable decision by the film-makers, James Bond ditches real cars and drives a 1971 Lamestang…why? Who knows. Maybe to cater to those who have poor taste in cars. Bless their hearts.

This movie is one of the first ones that I just really don’t like. It has its charms and entertaining moments but for the most part I just don’t care for it and unless I’m doing a marathon of them I’ll generally skip this one. I think the main thing that really turns me off from it as I said is Sean Connery’s performance. I get it. He’s played the character for six movies now and surely he’s tired, but come on, son! I’m also bothered as I mentioned before is that it doesn’t continue the story-line from the previous entry. It doesn’t help that Blofeld was responsible for the death of his wife and he’s the main villain again in this one. If they wanted to ignore the previous movie they should have changed the villain and certainly not had Bond angrily interrogating people to find Blofeld implying that he wants revenge. Anyway its definitely not the worst one…trust me that spot is dusted, polished, and ready…but it does rank pretty low on my list.

Justin Davis will return…to review: Live and Let Die! 

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